The Foo Weather Report

It’s so calm and quiet here in the office this morning that I feel compelled to connect to the noise of the greater world through cyber-space. Half the people in my department are out today. The parking lot is all empty space.

Christmas Day is over, but Christmas has just started. Christmas all the way to Epiphany. I’ll keep my decorations glowing at least through then.

Now in the last week of 2007. So much has changed in my life this year, just about all of it for the better. I feel butterflies in my stomach thinking about what the next year will bring. I’m full of hope, warmed with joy, but nervous. Just about three months that Navarre and I have been together. A significant amount of time, but yet not very long at all. One day we will have to decide one way or another whether our future is together or apart. Of course, it cannot be a matter of cold calculation, though such matters do require some cold calculation (money, real estate, etc.) My heart is mush. My eyes ooze tears when I think about him because he is so precious.

Yet so much other stuff to think about. Real happiness requires a foundation that rests on many meaningful things–I cannot set the full weight on his shoulders. I need to read more, write more, continue my spiritual and professional development, take care of my body and my home. We have to figure out whether we can achieve individual goals while together. Life is complicated; there are no guarantees. Nothing worth having comes easy. But hard work can be its own reward.

Navarre, my three parents, and I are spending the day at my house. Mom and Step-Dad are making breakfast–blueberry pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs. I’ll be making the dinner–eggplant Parmesan. Dad, Navarre, and I went to church last night.

Merry Christmas to all! May Christ’s love fill your hearts today and always.

I was wondering when the winter solstice will be, so I just looked it up. Winter will arrive Saturday, December 22nd at 1:08 a.m. EST. Just under twelve hours until winter!

I get out of work at 4:15 and lately it’s been barely daylight when I get home at 4:30. There’s still a lot of winter ahead of us, but at least we’ll be gaining sunlight, inch by inch, starting tomorrow.

How should I mark the longest night of the year? Cozy at home with Christmas lights and hot tea. I hope Navarre will be able to come over. Home just isn’t home without him.

I finally managed to use my snowblower to clean my driveway all by myself tonight. It is a wet slushy snow out there, and I feel rather wet and slushy myself. I talked to Navarre on the phone earlier. He said he wished he could be here to do the driveway for me. I think he really meant it. He is quite nuts in his way.

I am on the couch, feeling tired and lazy. *yawn* My light is the light from the Christmas tree. It is so very pretty. Sometimes I can’t get over how adorable this house is. I want to pick it up and hug it like I do with Pasquale. But my arms aren’t that strong. Navarre ordered a new charger for his camera battery and once we have that there will be pictures.

We don’t do the Christmas present thing in my family. It’s a lovely tradition. But there are people out there who give cards and little things to all sorts of people, and when I get these things I kind of feel that I should give something in return, and then I think that etiquette might demand that I give certain people things, but it’s not what I do, and the drop of stress created by the very thought reminds me why the whole thing is so ridiculous anyway. So no presents. Not too long ago, sitting on this very couch, I turned to Navarre and said “you’re o.k. with me not giving you a Christmas present, right?” One of those terrible questions to which there is only one answer! Presents are fun in the right context, but they are not fun when done out of obligation and without having identified something really needed by a special person.

Why am I bothering with this? I am too tired to think, unformed thoughts sticking together in run-on sentences. Too tired to go to bed. Pushing through the darkest days of the year.

It seems to now be sleeting or something. Such a messy day it has been! But today I welcome the adventure of bad weather. It’s Sunday–why not?

I’ve had adventures of cars. I wasn’t able to go to church yesterday afternoon because my mom had my car, as her truck is broken down in my driveway. Navarre had to work today so I rode with him through the swirling icy snow up to the folks’ house at a way-too-early hour. I watched the weather reports on WMUR and decided it was better to drive home sooner rather than later, due to deteriorating conditions through the day. So I cleared several inches of snow off my little old Escort and drove the twenty-five miles back to my house. It was actually a nice drive, just very slow. I had no trouble until I tried to get up my driveway without a running start–I got stuck halfway in the driveway, halfway in the road. But after some snow-kicking and engine-gunning, I made it in.

My task was then to get out the snowblower and clean the driveway. Well, that didn’t quite work out. The brake on the right wheel was stuck in the engaged position, so I was able to move the thing only in tight clock-wise circles. I called the folks, who sold me the thing. They didn’t have an over-the-phone solution to offer, so I went back outside and shoveled. I cleared my walkway and a path down the driveway to where my car was. I cleared around the car and from the car to the road. By the time I finished and dragged the snowblower back into the shed, I was dripping sweat from my hair. Yuck!

I was just about to take a shower when all of a sudden my mom was at the door. She had called while I was outside to say they were coming down to look at my snowblower and plow my driveway, which they did. My shoveling was not in vain though because it was excellent exercise. They’re already back home safe and sound with their little dogs.

The Patriots just finished beating the Jets. 14-0! Dare we hope all the way?

Pasquale has taken to the Christmas tree. A couple times I’ve gone all over the house looking for him only to find him curled up under the tree. I took a picture with my phone which isn’t very good:

Insanity is too strong a word, I know. I do get a bit crazy sometimes. My core gets weak and I flood myself with cycles of emotionally destructive thoughts. I feel desperation, lack of confidence, obsession, weariness, touchiness. I feel like a great big open wound, my normal fortitude bent under the weight of troubles that are the product of my own imagination. I know I get past it eventually; I weather the storm.

But it is different now that I am not alone. These moods affect how I perceive the relationship, injecting negative energy into what is otherwise so positive. I am in a battle against myself not to sabotage what I have by getting unreasonably needy and letting my imagination linger in dark doubtful places.

I chronically fear rejection. The fear creeps in and I know if I let it gain traction it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have been rejected by those I loved so dearly. He has rejected those who loved him dearly. What’s to keep him from rejecting me? I know by entertaining these thoughts I become a person worthy of rejection; I need to fight to regain my own true strong self. But there are days I cannot be strong. And I fear, I obsess, and become a person I don’t want to be around. I want reassurance, but I know better than to demand it. I have to have faith, and keep in touch with my better self that is present in me somewhere, even during the dark spells.

Will I ever feel safe? Is it further insanity to believe, in this world, that marriage is a promise I can trust to be kept? That’s a long way off, I know, but I do hold out hope and believe that when I do someday get married the promises made before God will be kept and I can feel secure through the power of the sacrament.

I think I will try to get to church this afternoon. The weather will be yucky tomorrow morning. I haven’t received the Eucharist for a while, as I have been in a state of mortal sin. Can I go to confession and be rightfully absolved knowing full well I will continue the sin? I can understand the wisdom of saving oneself for marriage, of not giving one’s whole self absent the security of a union made and blessed in God’s presence. I suppose I am an unrepentant sinner, and perhaps I do deserve to suffer for it. And I do suffer, every time I go to church and do not receive the body of Christ. I miss it. It does mean something, a special union with Christ’s eternal love.

I have thrown in my lot with a human, capable of rejection, turning from Christ, who always has and always will love me. But this human keeps me warm at night, makes the bed in the morning, watches Modern Marvels and Babylon 5 with me, loves his cat, clears snow from my car, cleans my gutters, supports me in my efforts to be a more capable and independent adult, has long interesting conversations with me during car rides, instructs me in self-defense techniques which come in handy during tickle fights, saves crossword puzzles for me, calls me even when I tell him he doesn’t have to, enjoys walks in the woods, is great with my family and kitties, makes me dinner, and shows genuine gratitude when I make dinner or do his laundry. And only a human can father my babies, my tall, blond, blue-eyed babies whom I already, and always have, loved so dearly.

Life is good, but it is not my nature to feel happy all the time. A girl needs to feel miserable every now and then, just because, so what if the feeling regularly comes along every four weeks?

A gray day, we’re supposed to get heavy snow this afternoon starting around 1 p.m. and lasting until about 11 tonight. I feel rather neutral about the forecast; it is what it is. I’ll have to fire up the snowblower, and operate it. Navarre broke it in for me last Saturday, saving my driveway from snow-rutted trashiness.

We (mostly Mom while Navarre and I sat on the couch watching a DVD about coral reefs) decorated the Christmas tree Saturday evening. It is very beautiful. One day, maybe, we’ll remember to take a picture. It makes me feel so terribly grown up to live in a house with a real Christmas tree.

Navarre and I both took the day off work yesterday and went skiing at Mount Sunapee. It was the first time I’d been skiing in about eight years, since I lived in Utah. I think I did pretty well, all things considered, though Navarre says my technique needs a lot of work. He’s a good skier, and gave me some instruction that helped me out a lot. After the first few runs I didn’t fall down at all. I think with some practice I can ski well enough not to embarrass him, though I’ll never measure up to his ex, who was a member of the U.S. ski team (a very long time ago). Oh well.

I need to get up and move around. I didn’t feel very sore at all from skiing until I got up after sitting for a while at my desk. Despite the storm, I am going to stick around after work and use the gym. All the better for my body and my mood.

My living room is full of a big naked tree. Navarre brought it down with him last night, and maybe tonight we’ll put some lights on it. But oh the house is filled with such delightful fresh scent. The tree is beautiful. I’ll post pictures once we get it all decorated.

My registration with the Massachuetts Bar is due this month. I mailed in my form a couple days ago so I am now officially retired from the practice of law. Woo-hoo!

My driveway is a big snowy mess. The first big snow of the season happened on Monday, but I have not yet gotten my snowblower. My walkway is neatly shoveled, but the driveway has sporadic shoveled patches and lots of tire ruts. It’s a bit embarrassing. I’ll get my snowblower this weekend from my favorite parent-owned outdoor power equipment shop and I hope the driveway is not too far gone to be appropriately tidied up.

I am often very glad that I make no promises with this blog and that I called it a “weather report.” Many times I feel like writing a little something into the world, but I have nothing particular to say, and the only thing on my mind appropriate for such a forum as this is the weather. Weather is clean wholesome filler in the field of human discourse.

I woke up to the sound of a shutter knocking against the house in the brisk wind that continues. It’s very clear and sunny and cold. There is a dusting of fresh snow on the ground. I will need to sweep the walkway before I head out anywhere. It feels and looks like December, an excellent way to bring in the new month.

This morning I took a supplement rather than eating my usual bit of raw onion to keep my sinuses clear. It would be cool if it did the trick. Navarre seems not fond of onion flavored kisses. I do worry that the supplement won’t have the favorable effect on my morning blood sugar that the onion seems to have–the onion slice in the morning has been the difference between pre-lunch wooziness and no such wooziness.

The washing machine beckons me with a persistent “beep.”

So here I am, three decades into my life in this world. It’s fine, quite fine. Today was a rainy November Monday, but it was a good day because I did not have to work and I did fun things such as bowling and registering my car.

I’m sleepy. Time for bed. Another day has come and gone.